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THE LOVE OF FORTUNA {Ventures of Expressing Love}

‘I will love you as misfortune loves orphans, as fire loves innocence and as justice loves to sit and watch everything go wrong’ – Lemony Snicket

I might die if I stop loving you.

I have no reason to get over you, yet! Besides everything, there is that beautiful smile of your pretty face that sets me into trance.

Our Imaginary love follows a fiction line and plays like a documentary in my head.

My sight seems to abandon me in the crowd somedays; when it follows your shadow into the Labyrinth we drew.

I will draw my happiness from the vivid imagination of a multiverse, where at some place we are breathing short breaths and there’s the time when you let me slip into your skin like I came out of the sky.

Have you ever had this feeling of fear, when you love somebody so deeply, that it scares the shit out of you and not because of the reasons that you won’t be able to ever be with them or you can’t make them love you or call them yours, but because of the reason that you know right at that very moment that you will never be able to love anybody that much or so intensely? Every cell in your body just feels stuck with that one person for eternity.

It’s like a possession of your soul, mind and body. Too strong darling!

Being Eros: I think the vastness of that future can balance these emotions. I really don’t know what to say. I am just sorry. Gear up for where you are going.

I go Bleh!

My subtle failed attempts of slipping that one question all day!

I am living while I am loving you. I will die when the love ends..

Do you know how I keep myself safe all this while, being so vulnerable and exposed, with you not around when all I need is you- for that you gotta read ‘The Backwards law’ by Alan Watts, the philosopher. Sorry…

Everything you wear, you wear the best. From smile to your skin. Everything is for a reason I know, but WTF!?

Morpheus was the son of sleep. I need just one more spoon of it.

Everytime in the past and now, even this very moment, I have always suffered from a lack of self satisfaction that my words/ vocabulary/ language and it’s limited competency of expression fails to convey my truth. Maybe it does at times and to good extent; I don’t ever feel convinced, perhaps because it is so scarce.

I have, however, known moments when the silence that surrounded the room, whenever I was with somebody, made a greater effort at communication. I have felt that silence- scream, laugh, giggle and blush, cry in pain, confess love, call out my love. A lot more. I can’t even write everything….

That flow of emotions just through the energy that exists between two people is immensely calm. It is pure and honest without any chaos. And ofcourse have been asked by people every now and then when we meet that I stay quiet or I am quieter than expected or than I seem.

Sometimes I manage to avoid looking into eyes. But mostly I just drown, drown, drown in the silence of my expression until that river finally runs dry. Dígame por favor, if you know what I mean.

These unique conversations leave lasting imprints in memory. Undeniably intense and recent/ for example is the residue of those three or four hours of mostly silence when those eyes won’t let me think of anything else but just accept the truth of my love. It was not long after I confessed it in words; and from that writing to all long ones and last ones and the ones now; All the text combined cannot express the love my silence did in those few moments.

If you don’t stop and look at me, you will miss the profound beauty of my feeling that smiles back, if he stops and looks one day! He is going to know it all. Going to know my content in chaos.

Nobody prefers paradoxical hearts..

But when I finally write a song about it, I will say// “And my love for you lasted till my grave.”

As soon as my mind is awake in the morning, the first thought of my half sleeping mind asks my hands to search for you beside me and pull that pillow closer to my chest; giving you one last warm morning hug before I open my eyes and start my rather real day. It is because everytime I go to bed with my highly intoxicated late night feelings, you are always there and I just smile looking at you. And Looking at you makes me fall in love all over again and again until my sleep find its way.

When does this end?

I swayed when there were showers of appreciation. Overdosed, perhaps, fainted in your love; wonder still although- little did I know that none of me was enough to tempt you into kisses of intoxication.

It’s just that thoughts keep coming all day and mind this, not very wise and stable ones. They are not very technical but literal feelings. I don’t know how to explain. Chuck it. Maybe just don’t reply with your reassurances of not knowing me or not having faith in me. Easy for you but hits like multi re-rejections to me. You must think me weird for not wanting to read plain polite truth but think it as me knowing the truth and your truth is an overdose causing me seizures figuratively.

Sometimes I am afraid thinking my love will turn out to be phoenix; burning and suffering to death only to live again stronger and repeat the same all over.

My words aren’t my smoke. They stay.

And Nietzsche assured when I read him, he said ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. Like Phoenix or Nihilism and now my love. It’s a funny life.

“It’s okay. I am going to fall in love with you. You dont have to love me back. I am going to give you my heart.” (Untamed Heart, 1993:Movie)

I remember these days so clearly. My heart refused to come back to Delhi and there I was slipping away to my solitude and breathing in all the nature’s grace that I could. All I did was walk alone up and down, hills and mountains and markets several times a day; looking for a view or some flower or just to take a look at more birds.

The reason I find those days so close to my heart is because this was the time I started realising that I have fallen for you. Really hard. I had beautiful sights to see all day long and a mindful calmness to gather my thoughts of you and decode them. I even remember being excited about going to places just to click some photos so I can send them to you. This love opened its eyes with calmness, self content, happiness, acceptance and beauty around. It was away from chaos and impulsiveness.

Do you think that is why it has such deep roots and unshakeable will?

“I BROUGHT YOU A ROSE..”

//Rainer Maria Rilke // “Understand, I’ll slip quietly away from the noisy crowd when I see the pale stars rising, blooming, over the oaks. I’ll pursue solitary pathways through the pale twilit meadows, with only this one dream: You come too.” //

You know the kind of love that never happened but you still live in its shadow?Imagining your love sitting by your side or the feeling of them being home when you return from somewhere or bring something for them, all of it when actually you have to live alone. For hours and even days sometimes there is a constant dreamy phase when that happens, until something bounces you back to the truth. A truth that’s actually a lie and only becomes true because of lack of some mitigating circumstances. But what happens when I stop? When I stop being a dreamer? When I stop seeing truth as truth? When I stop wanting you to walk with me on those solitary pathways Rilke wanted to too? Does it end there or do start looking for you in the darkness of the night or the moon and the stars (for, I cannot have anybody else accompany me)?

Nevertheless, tell me this! What did you mean when you said to me, “The night and the moon are ruining you.” ? Did you mean ‘a love unattainable?

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On Nietzsche’s Will to Power: The Birth of the Priest

Thus spoke Karan

Priests, although celibate in body, have through their rancorous psyche however, fathered a plethora of evils. And we call these evils :morality.

Nietzsche, we should bear in mind, has a very peculiar way of looking at any given phenomenon. A scientist for example, to study a phenomenon would alienate it from its surroundings, bring the object of his study to his lab, and experiment on it, interrogate it, meditate on it. Similarly, a mathematician would reduce the phenomenon to the language of numbers, condense it further till he reaches a formula, and then he would declare the given formula as the essence of that phenomenon. A philosopher too, would theorise the phenomenon, remove it from its particularity and elevate it towards a generality, he would look at the phenomenon in abstract not in its concrete or real form, he would look for its metaphysical side. Nietzsche on the other hand…

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WHAT DOES LOVE FEEL LIKE?

Love suffereth long, and is kind, love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up; doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not its own, is not provoked, taketh not account of evil; rejoiceth not in unrighteousness, but rejoiceth with the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

“What does love feel like?”, I asked,while staring at the blank screen of my computer. Once I started feeling, more than actually thinking, about it my time froze. Not because I couldn’t find the answer to my question or that I was too overwhelmed by what I felt; my conscious self lost motion because of the trance I stepped in holding the hands of the thoughts of my love.

Bare thoughts of love bring an alteration in your person, so vast, that most people fall into denials when they first realize the closeness they feel for somebody. I denied it myself when I caught my soul turning inside out bringing tsunami of thoughts followed by emotions and feelings that I had never felt before. So Strong! So Powerful! Almost Magic. For us people, who all their life are surrounded by materialized minds, this show of divinity feels other worldly. Hence, we feel scared of it which comes naturally to us-‘to be scared of surprises’. Franz Kafka said, ‘One of the first signs of the beginning of understanding is the wish to die’. Just another misinterpreted paradoxes like love and many others.

Now, coming back to our question which seems as old as the birth of this universe, love makes you feel like visiting different universes where you have different lives. It makes you experience so many emotions, from the ones you already know to another million that you don’t and the ones that do not even have a name for it. From the greatest minds of our world to anonymous artists, countless times people have tried finding the bed of this deep running abyss. Everyone succeeded in knowing it, a few succeeded in further explaining it but nobody could claim it. After pondering for a fancy amount of time I found myself unable to write an answer to the question that might sound credible or even appropriate to many; because like anybody else I can’t claim it. The state of love is so unique that for every person who experiences it goes through a different colour of whole universe within oneself. What I can offer you to read here is only what I have felt and that is what I shall do…

Before I sound rather naive and informal to you, know that Love makes me feel like a teenager all over again. Excited, Stupid, Gullible, Dreamy; all this (though selectively) and to extent that the person I love replaces me as my own belief reference. When a 24 year old man starts feeling like a 16 year old, obviously he is going to think he has lost a screw or taken drugs for too long. When I tried fixing myself trying to avoid this inevitable flow of life through me, I was left helpless knowing all I can do is give in. I meant to deny this unexpected dawn rising upon me but only love came breaking in, like light, as usual.

Some days I live pouring my heart out for a love unattainable and other days I live in an alternate universe where every morning my first conscious breath is mixed with sweet scent of your skin. Some days go by trying to forget him and others go by trying to save my soul from death by worrying too much about him forgetting me. Love occupies life so abundantly that the thought of void it would leave behind on retreat is incomprehensible.

Love is such that it thrives with truth and it also dies with truth. The insanity that love brings upon my mind is so complex that I bring upon myself the need to know lies. Lies in Love are like the drugs that slowly kill you. When I ask something, if the truth is unbearable, I want to hear a lie. When I ask you a question, please lie! This unsettling state of mind, this insanity, this bubble of paradoxes is why people are always so scared to fall in love. Some people wait all their life to find the right person they wish to invest their insanity and put forth their vulnerability. Love is Dangerous. Love demands surrendering; is why people fear it because it would mean giving up control.

For me love is moon. I look at it everynight as it changes, disappears and rises again. Moon is so beautiful that no matter how many times I watch it over in my life, I am bound to fall in love with beauty everytime ab initio. That is how beautiful, I feel my love is.

I have seen beautiful things in life; mountains, oceans, stars, people, … MY LOVE. Love fills my brain, the world fills his.

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On Nietzsche’s Will to Power: Nihilism and its Significance

Thus spoke Karan

I hereby begin my discourse on Nietzsche’s posthumously published work “The Will to Power”. The book is, in comparison to other works of Nietzsche, quite vast and expansive! The Will to Power along with the selections from the Notebooks of 1880s run up to comprise a tome of more than 600 pages. Nevertheless, this collection being the last writings of Nietzsche it becomes a duty to read it, for it constitutes the conclusion of Nietzsche’s intellectual evolution and is no doubt the final fruit of western philosophy in the 19th century. I do not know German, and even a great number of those who know it find reading Nietzsche’s German quite a task… so definitely my commentary doesn’t follow from his original writings but from an authoritative translation. The book I am referring to here is the “The Will to Power: Selections from the Notebooks of 1880s” translated by R…

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Expressing myself in words, like Shortness of Breath

Everytime in the past and now, even this very moment, I have always suffered from a lack of self satisfaction- that my words/ vocabulary/ language and it’s limited competency of expression fails to convey my truth. Maybe it does at times and to good extent; I don’t ever feel convinced, perhaps because it is so scarce.
I have, however, known moments when the silence that surrounded the room, whenever I was with somebody, made a greater effort at communication. I have felt that silence- scream, laugh, giggle and blush, cry in pain, confess love, call out my love. A lot more. I can’t even write everything… .
That flow of emotions just through the energy that exists between two people is immensely calm. It is pure and honest without any chaos. And ofcourse I have been asked by people every now and then when we meet that I stay quiet or I am quieter than expected or than I seem.
Sometimes I manage to avoid looking into eyes. But mostly I just drown, drown, drown in the silence of my expression until that river finally runs dry. Dígame por favor, if you know what I mean.
.
These unique conversations leave lasting imprints in memory. Undeniably intense and recent/ for example is the residue of those three or four hours of mostly silence when those eyes won’t let me think of anything else but just accept the truth of my love. It was not long after I confessed it in words; and from that writing (be it texts or mails or the captions on my social media posts) to all long ones and the last ones and the ones now; All the words combined cannot express the love my silence did in those few moments.