‘I will love you as misfortune loves orphans, as fire loves innocence and as justice loves to sit and watch everything go wrong’ – Lemony Snicket
I might die if I stop loving you.
I have no reason to get over you, yet! Besides everything, there is that beautiful smile of your pretty face that sets me into trance.
Our Imaginary love follows a fiction line and plays like a documentary in my head.
My sight seems to abandon me in the crowd somedays; when it follows your shadow into the Labyrinth we drew.
I will draw my happiness from the vivid imagination of a multiverse, where at some place we are breathing short breaths and there’s the time when you let me slip into your skin like I came out of the sky.
Have you ever had this feeling of fear, when you love somebody so deeply, that it scares the shit out of you and not because of the reasons that you won’t be able to ever be with them or you can’t make them love you or call them yours, but because of the reason that you know right at that very moment that you will never be able to love anybody that much or so intensely? Every cell in your body just feels stuck with that one person for eternity.
It’s like a possession of your soul, mind and body. Too strong darling!
Being Eros: I think the vastness of that future can balance these emotions. I really don’t know what to say. I am just sorry. Gear up for where you are going.
I go Bleh!
My subtle failed attempts of slipping that one question all day!
I am living while I am loving you. I will die when the love ends..
Do you know how I keep myself safe all this while, being so vulnerable and exposed, with you not around when all I need is you- for that you gotta read ‘The Backwards law’ by Alan Watts, the philosopher. Sorry…
Everything you wear, you wear the best. From smile to your skin. Everything is for a reason I know, but WTF!?
Morpheus was the son of sleep. I need just one more spoon of it.
Everytime in the past and now, even this very moment, I have always suffered from a lack of self satisfaction that my words/ vocabulary/ language and it’s limited competency of expression fails to convey my truth. Maybe it does at times and to good extent; I don’t ever feel convinced, perhaps because it is so scarce.
I have, however, known moments when the silence that surrounded the room, whenever I was with somebody, made a greater effort at communication. I have felt that silence- scream, laugh, giggle and blush, cry in pain, confess love, call out my love. A lot more. I can’t even write everything….
That flow of emotions just through the energy that exists between two people is immensely calm. It is pure and honest without any chaos. And ofcourse have been asked by people every now and then when we meet that I stay quiet or I am quieter than expected or than I seem.
Sometimes I manage to avoid looking into eyes. But mostly I just drown, drown, drown in the silence of my expression until that river finally runs dry. Dígame por favor, if you know what I mean.
These unique conversations leave lasting imprints in memory. Undeniably intense and recent/ for example is the residue of those three or four hours of mostly silence when those eyes won’t let me think of anything else but just accept the truth of my love. It was not long after I confessed it in words; and from that writing to all long ones and last ones and the ones now; All the text combined cannot express the love my silence did in those few moments.
If you don’t stop and look at me, you will miss the profound beauty of my feeling that smiles back, if he stops and looks one day! He is going to know it all. Going to know my content in chaos.
Nobody prefers paradoxical hearts..
But when I finally write a song about it, I will say// “And my love for you lasted till my grave.”
As soon as my mind is awake in the morning, the first thought of my half sleeping mind asks my hands to search for you beside me and pull that pillow closer to my chest; giving you one last warm morning hug before I open my eyes and start my rather real day. It is because everytime I go to bed with my highly intoxicated late night feelings, you are always there and I just smile looking at you. And Looking at you makes me fall in love all over again and again until my sleep find its way.
When does this end?
I swayed when there were showers of appreciation. Overdosed, perhaps, fainted in your love; wonder still although- little did I know that none of me was enough to tempt you into kisses of intoxication.
It’s just that thoughts keep coming all day and mind this, not very wise and stable ones. They are not very technical but literal feelings. I don’t know how to explain. Chuck it. Maybe just don’t reply with your reassurances of not knowing me or not having faith in me. Easy for you but hits like multi re-rejections to me. You must think me weird for not wanting to read plain polite truth but think it as me knowing the truth and your truth is an overdose causing me seizures figuratively.
Sometimes I am afraid thinking my love will turn out to be phoenix; burning and suffering to death only to live again stronger and repeat the same all over.
My words aren’t my smoke. They stay.
And Nietzsche assured when I read him, he said ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. Like Phoenix or Nihilism and now my love. It’s a funny life.
“It’s okay. I am going to fall in love with you. You dont have to love me back. I am going to give you my heart.” (Untamed Heart, 1993:Movie)
I remember these days so clearly. My heart refused to come back to Delhi and there I was slipping away to my solitude and breathing in all the nature’s grace that I could. All I did was walk alone up and down, hills and mountains and markets several times a day; looking for a view or some flower or just to take a look at more birds.
The reason I find those days so close to my heart is because this was the time I started realising that I have fallen for you. Really hard. I had beautiful sights to see all day long and a mindful calmness to gather my thoughts of you and decode them. I even remember being excited about going to places just to click some photos so I can send them to you. This love opened its eyes with calmness, self content, happiness, acceptance and beauty around. It was away from chaos and impulsiveness.
Do you think that is why it has such deep roots and unshakeable will?
“I BROUGHT YOU A ROSE..”
//Rainer Maria Rilke // “Understand, I’ll slip quietly away from the noisy crowd when I see the pale stars rising, blooming, over the oaks. I’ll pursue solitary pathways through the pale twilit meadows, with only this one dream: You come too.” //
You know the kind of love that never happened but you still live in its shadow?Imagining your love sitting by your side or the feeling of them being home when you return from somewhere or bring something for them, all of it when actually you have to live alone. For hours and even days sometimes there is a constant dreamy phase when that happens, until something bounces you back to the truth. A truth that’s actually a lie and only becomes true because of lack of some mitigating circumstances. But what happens when I stop? When I stop being a dreamer? When I stop seeing truth as truth? When I stop wanting you to walk with me on those solitary pathways Rilke wanted to too? Does it end there or do start looking for you in the darkness of the night or the moon and the stars (for, I cannot have anybody else accompany me)?
Nevertheless, tell me this! What did you mean when you said to me, “The night and the moon are ruining you.” ? Did you mean ‘a love unattainable?